I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
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[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Easy enough.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him