shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
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read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
nyc:
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers