What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
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Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…