There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
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Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
if a cop pulls u over play dead
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
LOL
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches