I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
You Might Also Like
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.