I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
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[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family