Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
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Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?