Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
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“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
i smell a pulitzer
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?