HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
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[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.