I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
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I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is