Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
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I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
#Caturday
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Not all heroes wear capes….