You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
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Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.