the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
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waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Sing it!
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.