I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
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Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament