[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
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When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
#dnd #ttrpg
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each