Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
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Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.