My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
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My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.