“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
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What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.