I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
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I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
BaD BoY!!
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”