ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
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I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.