Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
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7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Oh yeah that’s it
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.