whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
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Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!