Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
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Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.