Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
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No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
bugs when you lift up a rock
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.