Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
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They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
This text is literally my relationship with my mother: