Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
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A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.