A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
You Might Also Like
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Breaking news:
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.