My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
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If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
How funny!