As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
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spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty