Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
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If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
that de-escalated quickly
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.