Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
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Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I WON A HAM TODAY
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up