It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
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Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Follow me for more recipes
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.