Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
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I’m not proud
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour