MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
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Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”