The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
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”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…