When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
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*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
My first son he is wonderful
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.