[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
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first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it