Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
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COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
sigh
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
RT if you could go either way.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.