The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
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I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.