[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
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My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Safety first
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.