Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
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If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?