I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
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*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Cannot stop laughing at this