Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
You Might Also Like
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
But is it really??
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Cashiers are always checking me out
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
New favorite tiktok
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again