Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
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Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.