Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
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DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)