I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
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“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
my favorite genre of twitter
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.