Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
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THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
incredible text to wake up to
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.