listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
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where do you see yourself in five years?
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too