I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
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what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
December birthdays be like…
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT