Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
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Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Girl, same.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy